Kimmy Quilt: I Am An Idiot.

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I Am An Idiot.

Posted: 17 October 2008 at 5:31 p.m.

I have been really busy lately. Getting my ducks in a row for the next DVD is a lot more time-consuming than I expected it would be, but fortunately, I still have time to be an idiot.

Yesterday, I was out running errands. Since it was getting to be lunchtime and I was starving, I decided to grab a box of sushi and a Mountain Dew to eat in the car as I did my running around. The sushi was Smoked Eel Roll, which I love, and it came with a big mound of super hot wasabi and some pickled ginger, which I also love.

Driving along, I mindlessly reached over into the box and grabbed bits of sushi to pop into my mouth, while keeping my eyes on the road. The sun was shining, the radio was cranked up, and there was a school bus in front of me with goofy little kids making faces at me in the back window. I made faces right back at them and giggled foolishly, thinking life was just grand.

And then it happened.

Instead of grabbing sushi, I grabbed THE ENTIRE WAD OF WASABI and stuffed it into my mouth. The entire wad! And then, instead of spitting it out, I swallowed reflexively. Oh my God, my head is on fire! My eyes! My eyes are scorched! My nose is running like a faucet and I am weeping like a little Dutch schoolgirl. With tears rolling down my cheeks, my vision doubles and I am unable to see the road clearly. The bus, formerly a cheerful sight filled with mischievous little children, turns into a large orange blob. Look out, children! Duck and cover! It's only a matter of time before I smash right smack into the back of your bus, as I can no longer see the road, the steering wheel, or my brake pedal! Squinting one blistered eye shut in a vain attempt to determine out how far ahead of me the bus is, I try to figure out what to do next.

Sitting in the driver's seat with my mouth hanging open, sticking my tongue out as far as it will go and breathing in and out rapidly in an attempt to cool things off with an increased intake of cool air, I fan my hand in front of my mouth in a desperate attempt to quell the flames while making odd gurgling noises. Never mind the threat of hyperventilation, I must at all costs stop the pain before I perish. Reaching over blindly to grab the Mountain Dew off the passenger seat, I fumble to remove the top with only one hand, raise the bottle to my open mouth, and tilt it. It was at this moment that I realized that I really ought to shut my mouth and stop with the hyperventilation thing until the liquid has been swallowed. Oh! Too late! The Dew dribbles out of my mouth, down the front of my shirt, and forms a lovely little puddle in my lap. Wow. That's very nice. Now my head is ablaze, my eyes are scorched (at least the one that isn't squinted shut, anyway), my nose is leaking like a sieve, my burnt tongue is lolling limply out of my mouth, and I look like I wet my pants. How fabulous.

When my vision cleared and I was able to see again, I noticed that the little twerps in the back of the bus were rolling in the aisles with laughter. I hope the little creeps all got extra math homework today. It would serve them right for har-de-har-har-ing as I was in danger of spontaneously combusting. Kids these days. Hmmph!

The rest of the day went better (and how could it not?) and I thought that I was out of danger.

And then today happened.

I picked up Jenna from swim team and since she was about ready to expire from hunger, we stopped at Burger King. She got a meal combo, and I got a big cup of soda. Since the cup was too big to fit in my regular cup holder, I opened up my center console to use the larger cup holder. I was driving out of the parking lot as I did this, so I wasn't looking at the cup holder, but was just trying to shove the dang cup in there and get it over with so we could go home. But the cup wouldn't sit correctly in the holder! What's up with that? I pushed and shoved and wiggled a bit, trying to get the cup to seat itself properly. It was then that I noticed that there seemed to be a pencil in the way. I grabbed the pencil and pulled it away from the cup.

And that's when the thin stream of soda began to pee from the bottom of the cup, from the lovely little pencil sized hole that I had poked into the cup while trying to jam it into the cup holder.

With Diet Coke piddling everywhere, I frantically held the cup out the window. Jenna was no help at all, as she was practically catatonic from laughter. It was all she could do to find the strength to shove napkins into the console to soak up the soda from the pile of loose change. We drove home from BK with me holding my soda out the window. I held the cup sideways, to try to keep the pencil hole above the waterline, but that didn't work so well, as it just caused the soda to pee out of the straw instead. My entire forearm was covered in sticky Diet Coke, and since we were going 50 miles an hour, the wind chill caused my flesh to begin to go numb and freeze. The other drivers took one look at me and moved over to the far side of their lane. Since I live in a very small town and there's a football game tonight, I expect that by 9:00 pretty much everybody will have heard about me laughing hilariously and driving down the highway with a sideways peeing Burger King cup. <sigh>

Aren't you glad you don't live near me?

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Comments

12. Janice (12 December 2008 at 9:42 a.m.)

I am laughing so hard I can barely see to type! You are just too funny Kim! Can't wait for the new DVD!
11. Joanne (10 December 2008 at 7:52 a.m.)

Thanks for the great laugh!! I am sorry that I have found so much humor in your misfortune!! Started my day with a real belly laugh! Hugs!
10. JL (28 November 2008 at 6:49 a.m.)

Why am I just now reading about this story??? I love Wasabi but not in that quantity! What I want to know is; What does the digestive system do with such a load of Wasabi???........ if you get my drift. Kim, that story is almost as funny as the motor bike/lilac bush story. Thanks for the fabulous laugh.
9. June Giles (09 November 2008 at 1:22 p.m.)

OMG! I'm a little late reading your blog but Kimmy I'm sorry for your pain but you do have a gift for story telling. I was laughing so hard. My DH was wondering what I was reading that was so funny as it takes a lot to get me laughing.
8. Linda (25 October 2008 at 10:27 a.m.)

You are a hoot! I guess there will be no eating or drinking while driving for you. Can't wait for your feather DVD.
7. Carol (24 October 2008 at 11:40 p.m.)

Kim, altho I don't like sushi, I do feel for you! And just what's up with the cup holders that don't fit the cups! Thanks for the good laugh
6. Vicki (23 October 2008 at 8:12 p.m.)

Kim, If ever I needed a laugh, it was today. I can always count on you! Vicki
5. Margie Kraft (23 October 2008 at 1:15 p.m.)

Now I see why in some areas of the country they want to outlaw drive-thoughs. You crack me up!
4. renae haddadin (23 October 2008 at 12:32 p.m.)

My dearest Kimmy, I must suggest that you refrain from eating in your car....for at least 2 weeks! If only to save the life of one voter until the elections are over
3. helen-mary (23 October 2008 at 11:53 a.m.)

Kim, have you ever heard of the 'slow food movement'? Much safer. Nowhere near as entertaining, though.
2. Di (17 October 2008 at 7:20 p.m.)

Oh lordy, I'm crying here, lol! I love sushi, too, and have overloaded it with wasabi before. You had quite a day!
1. lisa (17 October 2008 at 7:19 p.m.)

Ohmygosh! THAT was hysterical! Although I must admit, I've done the same thing with the wasabi and it does feel like your head will explode - kind of like brain freeze in reverse!! Thanks for the chuckl...

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